The Epilogue: Keeping scores

I read an article on the internet. This article provided men with advice on the pitfalls to avoid in the first year of dating. One of the tips given was not to provide her with too many gifts since it would increase her expectations. I thought about it and I wonder if it were true. Do women's expectations really increase when they are showered with gifts. Believe me, this isn't true if you kept giving her the wrong gifts!

Men seek to impress women and that is their definition of a successful date. The more impressions he makes, the more successful he is in getting her. But how do women really keep score? Do men keep score in a similar manner? I remember the day when I first met Zen and our second date. On our first date, he scored several points with me. The corner seat, uncrowded restaurant (perfect setting), the lilies ( they were huge) and then there was the cake with my name. Each of these scored a point with me. When we went on our second date, I still remember the fact that he booked the ticket to the film "Passion of Christ" one week in advance. Believe me, each day I was counting down to that day and even planned what to wear! So he scored a point each day for that! He also scored a point when he sent an email to inform me and another to confirm the date. Now I think he did very well..LOL. He definitely knows how to score points on this dartboard.

What I noticed, as he scored those points with me, was that it was the little things that he did. The lilies showed how observant he is, the cake with the name on it was indicative of his attention to details, him booking the film well in advance showed he was supportive, and his confirmation prior to the date showed that I was important. To me, it is not the gift that is important to women, it is the act of giving and the meaning behind it. The significance of it has a greater impact on our emotions. Therefore, when a man does little things for her, he scores a point with her. I think many men fail to understand that. They probably do too little and are not consistent, especially after marriage. For this reason, some draw apart. They fail to give enough to receive that emotional attachment that both need.

How do men keep score? Frankly, I don't know the answer. But judging from how my father keeps reiterating what my mum does, I think men keep score differently. My dad seems to focus more on big events because he keeps repeating it to the kids. He sometimes complain about my mum's lack of appreciation for what he did. Therefore, women should be watchful. Men do keep score of what we say and the way we act. It is the way we respond towards their male ego which will have the greatest impact on them.

So based on my personal encounter, how did I do with Zen? Frankly, I think pretty badly or none at all since I was not aware of it until I reflected on it. When Zen told me that he changes his furniture and painting when he gets bored with them, I thought I am not that exciting too (and it is not attributable to my work in Taxation)...LOL. This is attributable to my inexperience with men and probably inability to deliver what he needs and seeks for. Look, I didn't even score a point and I could have done so with a China Doll hairstyle! It is at this moment that I realised that I failed to score any point during this two month probation period and the ship has sailed but I am not on it.

It was good while it lasted. But I think he is not looking for a long term relationship (probably still changing his furniture) and not to mention with someone who didn't score points with him. Well, I am back to dating Sin City as I have always done for the past 20 years. All good things must come to an End, so now, The Epilogue. Thank you for reading.

Monogamy

Why do we have to stay monogamous to one partner? Is that a tradition or is there a rationale for doing so?

Men are physically attracted to many women at the same time. They can do so without any emotional attachment. But for women, like me, we can't do the same. We are only interested in men who can provide us with the affection, romance and intimacy we look for. If we have more than one partner at the same time and worse, are sexually involved with them, then we get very confused. We know it does not meet our need for true love. We therefore cannot take relationships lightly so casual flings are out. This is because we absord all that our partners radiate. For this reason, it is important for women to stay true to one partner so that the love for him grows. But the problem is, are the men ready for that?

Based on this need for monogamy in relationships, women should be dating only men who are of the marrying age ( that means generally older men) or one that is ready and truly looking for lifetime partner. If you were dating someone who was seriously not looking, you are setting to get yourself hurt. Men may be interested in a woman when he meets her, then when she is no longer in his presence and another chick comes into his presence, he gets aroused again. He will then bounce from one woman to another and it depends on who was in his presence. So how about chemistry? The truth is Men can feel chemistry with any woman although not every woman.

This was exactly what happened to me and my first love. He met his ex-girlfriend in Japan when he was living there. He loved her greatly and when I asked him why, he replied, " We did many things together." This shows the power of exclusivity, commitment and monogamy. I realised that he truly loved her. But they broke up when she did not want to relocate to the States.

I was in the States when I met him. We had a great time. He said he liked me and enjoyed being with me. However, it was clear to me that he was never going to relocate to Singapore so he was definitely not into commitment. I decided to just enjoy the moment and he did too because I was in his presence. When I finally returned to Singapore, we broke up and it was a painful 5 years before I started over again. Why was it so painful for me? That is because we did everything together and I was absorbing all that he had to give me. I felt so close to him. We had a monogamous relationship.

Although the relationship was short and ended painfully for me, as a result of my return to Singapore, it was the most beautiful one I have ever experienced. I experienced the power of a monogamous relationship. I also realised I had a limitation. I do not have the strength to go through casual relationships. This is because I would be too emotionally attached to the man I love.

Women should consider these questions when dating. It can save them from the heartaches of casual relationships.
1) Did he like me merely because I was in his presence?
2) Was it his goal to look for a long term relationship or was he looking when he felt alone and, therefore, in truth was not?

So what's in it for the Men? Men who realise a woman's worth and need for a monogamous relationship should communicate their readiness to stay monogamous to her. This will increase her self-assurance and enhance her attractiveness to you. Men who bounce from one woman to another will never find true love. Logically, he can only grow when he stays true to one and anchors himself to that special woman in his life.

Hence, when I date a man whom I feel is not ready for a monogamous relationship and does not spend time doing things together, I know the relationship is not going to be one built on stone but on sand. I will withdraw and find my needs fulfilled in several individuals. They are my female and male friends. If he does not spend enough time with you, you know that he is one of those men who are quite happy finding their needs in several individuals. In a case like this, I think women should keep their feelings in check and also learn to do what is best for them.

There is time to love and there is also time for letting go. Like my dad said to me, " If you love someone set him free, if he comes back he is yours. If he doesn't, he never was."

If I am fabulous , why am I still single?

Whenever men date me, they will always ask me why am I still single. I can see the look of surprise on their face. It is almost like them telling me "This must be ridiculous". I then asked them to ask the men! Isn't this something beyond my control or is it? Why do some men marry some women and not others?

I dated and my EXes were great individuals. Frankly, I thought I am a very lucky gal because my EXes loved me very much and I know they still do. I don't have any bad things to say about them because we had a very good and loving relationship. We were always happy whenever we were together and we were close friends. They would discuss about their work and share their interests and feelings with me because I was their partner and confidant. I always enjoyed the fact that I was important in their lives. I always looked forward to spending time with them when we were dating. My favourite times were watching movies at home and just enjoying a nice glass of wine by the balcony. We also had one thing in common, our love for the sea breeze by the beach. I could also sense that they felt lucky just because they were with me. I was one happy gal. But we did not work out because our goals did not match. Maybe if I had changed my goals to suit them, I would probably be fabulous and married. But would that be the right thing to do?

Should I not be adamant in my goals and what I want to be? For example, some of my EXes asked me to relocate and move to where they are now working and living. I didn't agree because I love it here and I thought someone else might come along without me having to move. I made that decision because I wanted to be close to my mum. While I do love them, I know I will not be happy when my mum is hurt. She does not want me to be far away from her.

Have I ever regretted my decision? No. I am still with my wonderful mum and if I had left, I would not have met Zen. When I noticed that Zen and my family car have the same car number, I definitely thought that was a sign! LOL. Life is a box of chocolates, you will never know what you are going to get...(",)

Uncertainty

In relationships, during the two month probation period, uncertainty clouds our minds. When you have gone for your perfect first date, followed by fabulous second and third dates, you wonder where is it all heading? Are you going to wind up as friends or something more?

When I am not involved or do not feel like I am involved, I have a greater sense of adventure. But as soon as I thought I have found true love, all I can think about is him. My life and my thoughts seem to revolve around that person. The playfulness in me gradually diminishes. It bothers me that I am like a pendulum oscillating between two points (i.e. friends or something more) and worse, it never stops. Why can't I just let the thought of him pass and remain unaffected?

I guess if you were to remain indifferent you are not in love. Love is like shopping. You shop for your potential partners. When you go shopping, if you like something and if you have the means to get it, how long do you take to decide "I got to have it"? In a heart beat! Therefore, if you met someone who shakes you to the core and sometimes have problems being yourself due to nervousness, you know that you are in love. Similarly, if the other does not feel the same about you during the two month probation period, can you draw the same conclusion that you are likely to continue to be just friends? I think that is a reasonable assumption. One can reasonably deduce that you are not his coreshaker and therefore not his real love.

I don't like the feeling of not being able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Ms FHM thinks I may hurt myself if I continue to live in my fantasies. Jonas also sensed that I was less active and not as bubbly as I used to be. I confided in Jonas about my uncertainty during this two month probation. I constantly seem to be in deep thoughts or have lots of opinions lately, so I owe my writing to Zen..LOL.

It is almost two months since I first met Zen and I was not quite sure what to think. Jonas then elaborated more on the two month probation period. Both parties usually spend the first two months just pondering over whether the individual is that someone special in their lives. Do they want to get to know this individual further down the scale? He said one of the signs ought to be, as he mentioned before, an increase in the frequency of meetings and this usually happens after the third date. However, men are quite happy to remain in their two month probation period because once they are ready to move on they face the pressure of commitment. For this reason, some men drop their gear and go back to the shopping stage. They never bought it because they feared Commitment is like a can of worms and not a can of candies.

I then asked if the probation period could be lengthened. According to Jonas' experiences, he didn't think so because logically both parties do not like uncertainty. During the period of uncertainty, a man does not know if he impresses or pleases the woman enough for her to want him to be 'something more'. If he continually finds her hard to please, he stops pursuing as he isn't happy. For a woman, she wonders if she is 'the one' or if there is someone else. She too will not want to prolong the probation period because she realises that he is still looking for physical gratification in several individuals (and remember men are happy to remain in that stage) while she is looking for the mental and emotional connection with that 'special someone'. When a man reveals to a woman that he would like to be exclusive and to find out more about where their relationship may head, it is only in this stage that the soulmate can emerge. Otherwise, the circumstances and emotions surrounding the individuals do not support its discovery. Men continue to move back and forth and both parties at best are acquaintances.

It is now clear to me that when my two month probation period is over, I will know if the ship has sailed and I am still on the boat or I should pick up the pieces when it is all over.

Duets in relationships

Despite my several attempts to announce my early retirement from singing, I have been asked to sing again! Everyone’s looking forward to it. Instead of an unplugged, this time I am doing a duet with a friend of mine, Hanifah.

In a duet, we are partners. It sounds beautiful because we listen to each other and when we do sing concurrently, we harmonise. We know our parts and we stick to it. In relationships, if life is a stage, then should we be singing duets?

Maybe the failure to do so is the reason why many couples end up with irreconciliable differences. Differences exist because no two individuals mirror each other. But do they have to be irreconciliable?

There are many songs which we can sing to but only a few bring out the best in both of us. Hanifah and I have selected our song based on our strengths and weaknesses. I figured that the same applies in relationships. Men can date many women but few women bring out the best in them. If both parties understand each other well (i.e. their strengths and weaknesses) and they know the tune they are going to sing to (i.e. share the same goal and strategy), they can bring our the best in each other as they work together. This shows the importance of exclusivity and commitment in a relationship. I don’t think many men understand the beauty and importance of these stages in dating. They are often satisfied with the physical aspect of it. But it is through these stages that you understand your soulmate and share your visions. Both of you find your duet.

I read the column ‘In Transit’, found in the local newspaper ‘Streats’ . The writer realises that life is not only about champagne and companionship; it is also about compromise and commitment. She probably took a long time to realise it because she thought she had to sacrifice her freedom as a single. In duets, each of us has a distinct score. It would have been boring if it were the same. Similarly, men will get bored with submissive partners. Despite the differences, duets sound beautiful and the key is Harmony. When I harmonise, I actively listen to the other party and creatively respond with my melody. This shows the importance of active listening as our partners share their parts and creative responses in relationships. This also shows that women do not need to conform and they can still maintain their striking individuality. Therefore, contrary to the popular belief, men and women don’t have to lose their freedom.

Hanifah and I have decided to sing ‘All Out of Love’ by Air Supply. When the words “ I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you.” played in my mind, it reminded me of Zen. Just when I was running out of ideas to write, Zen returned from his trip from Japan. If he were not back, instead of writing my journal entitled Love in a Big City, I would probably be writing Lost in a Big City! Now I hope one day I’ll find my duet and the melodies we can sing to.

To love or to be loved

I wonder which is better, to be with someone you love or to be loved by someone. You may ask, why does it have to be one or the other; why can't one have both?
There are many guys who are interested in having a relationship with me but there are few I am truly interested in. Shall I continue to work on men I like and wait for them to respond positively or should I just focus my attention on men who do love me more than I love them?

I was reading a book on male psychology. It seems that men like to pursue and women should be pursued. If women pursued, men lose their interests in them! As I was reading, I was surprised to note that maybe I had gotten it all wrong. Maybe no two individuals can love each other to the same degree. That was not my idea of mutual love.

When I looked back, I realised that whenever I expressed my interest in a man, he would start performing his disappearing act. I always thought it would only be appropriate for me to express how I felt so that both parties can enjoy each other's company. He need not struggle to read my mind or feel uncertain. I guess I thought wrong. Should women then play hard to get?

As if the world is already not packed with difficulties, are men genuinely looking for a tough time with women? It doesn't make much sense to us women, but that apparently is the male psychology. I have been offered many opportunities to start a relationship with men who are crazy about me, but like I told Zen, I didn't feel any chemistry. They were all smart individuals so it could not have been the lack of mental chemistry. They were all physically attractive, so definitely not lack of physical chemistry too. They have humor and are great men with good principles, absolutely not problem with emotional chemistry. What was missing then ought to be spiritual chemistry. Somehow my soul felt that they were not my soulmates. What did I do? I dropped them and moved on.

Should you trust your feelings at all or should you use your common sense and go for the man who loves you more. A man who loves you more than you love him pursues you and women who like to be pursued can enjoy the process. I love being pursued so did I make a mistake when I rejected their advances? A man who loves you sees you as the capital on which he earns his interests and he thrives on it. A man you love is like an overdraft and you will have to constantly draw down the balance to maintain the relationship.

Perhaps I should try changing my focus on men who do pay attention to my needs. Men you love and who know you are interested in them, tend to sit back and relax too much. They probably have forgetten that, for a good relationship to work, they have to be consistent and not rest on their laurels once they have secured the woman in their lives. Women who are involved with men who love them won't be uncertain about whether they like her enough or whether they have someone else in their lives. Such women are more self-assured which makes her even more attractive to him.

Mabe this is the strategy to lifelong relationships; Marry someone who loves you more than you love them. Don't you agree? Well, maybe I will ask Zen about it when I get a chance to see him again, that is, if he has not already performed his Houdini act.

Sex and relationships

I was watching Joe millionaire starring a young American cowboy who is supposedly worth $80 million. In this 'reality' show, he is to select an European lady for his wife. When the ladies realised that he was a cowboy, they scoffed at the idea and some said it must be a joke. They were not interested in knowing him at all. Later, it was revealed to them that he inherited $80 million from his uncle's Trust Fund. When they heard the news, their eyes widened and they started talking about him. They were now eager to meet him! Some said they were keen now because they would never dream of meeting anyone so rich. Another said it would get her out of poverty. One of the ladies revealed that she would like him to buy her all that she wanted. When the cowboy met them, he was impressed with their physical beauty. I guess that is the only thing one will notice on a first date. When he was about to leave, they asked him why not stay with them and have some "fun"? I was totally stunned by what I saw. These girls were willing to get physical and sleep with him even though they hardly know anything about him beyond the $80 million which he, in truth, did not inherit!

Can one actually have great physical connection without a relationship? They hardly know anything about what he thinks, his character or his goals (financial, family and marriage) and yet they are willing to go all the way to get him. I think these girls are a sample of the norm in modern society. If men were attracted to physical attributes in the first instance, then I hardly think I have any chance should I join the competition..LOL.

Obviously one can have sex without a relationship. That is why prostitutes are still in business. It is your choice. But is it satisfying? Is that what an individual truly wants?

In a relationship, I do not deny the need for physical connection. But it does not mean you have to go all the way before you even established a good relationship with your partner. I explained in my earlier entry that everyone is searching for their soulmate. The first thing to do is to find the mental and emotional connection. Once that is complete, you can move on to physical connection. Jumping the gun here only makes your search for your soulmate harder and longer.

For the women, they lose their focus when they get physically involved. Once they get physically intimate with a man, their biological clock just ticks faster. They want a relationship even though that person may not be compatible and is not their soulmate. They will stop evaluating the mental and emotional chemistry between them. They start chasing their men, pressure them to settle down and they sabotage their relationships when men lose their interests in them. In this case, women lose the game. Have you ever tried jumping the queue and notice that you will eventually be standing at the back of the line again? The same thing goes for love, if we get physical too quickly, we end up embarking on our search for our soulmate all over again.

In the case of men, surely you want a woman not a girl in your life. A woman is a lady who is self-assured, has her own ideals, aspirations and confidence which you admire. Such a women is definitely in no hurry to get herself laid. If she does not find the man worthy of her, there is nothing wrong with her. She continues to be on strike! If you are truly searching for your soulmate, you should be careful with girls who use physical gratification as a tool to get you to lose that focus.

Take this American Cowboy for example. He may find mind-blowing sex with these french girls even though he does not have a relationship with any of them, but he isn't going to find his soulmate in this manner. He will not be spiritually satisfied. This shows that mind-blowing sex can exist before a relationship, but you need a good relationship to feel spiritual during sex. It is not just an animal act, it is a spiritual connection between two soulmates.

These girls are only engrossed with staying in the game and outdoing each other. When he made several blunders, they just ignored it and continued to pursue! I think he is going to get more than he bargained for. The poor boy wants to find someone who loves him for who he is, it surely does not look like it is going to happen. Only one girl surprised me, she asked why he chose European women when an eligible bachelor like him could have chosen one in America. This is the exact question I ask those who choose to date me, why me? There are millions of single ladies in Singapore to choose from. I don't think I am that special, so I always tell mum it looks like I have to stay celibate..LOL. I would never get into a relationship if there is no mental chemistry; He has to be clear as to why he chose me over others.

I admire men who have perserverance; the never say die spirit in natural leaders. I have always worked hard for what I aspired to be or do. I expect the same from him. Therefore, if he sought to get himself laid quickly over the arduous task of trying to get to know and pursue me, that's where I have the problem in ticking his box.